Usually it's because I haven't been getting enough sleep, but sometimes it's because I've been sleeping too much.
Don't I know you from somewhere?
I used to live in Bellingham. Is that any help?
It says here you're interested in vegetarianism. Does that mean you're a vegetarian?
Yeah. You got a problem with that? Are you trying to start a fight?
Sheesh, I was just asking. I mean, um, do you--
Don't bother. There's nothing you can say about vegetarianism that isn't perfectly dreary to non-vegetarians or redundant to vegetarians. I don't even know why I even listed it as an interest. How interesting can it possibly be that I didn't eat any meat today?
Okay, so what--
I mean, you probably haven't eaten any, I don't know, algae lately, have you? Or maybe you have. Either way, I don't care. It's not interesting. Eat what you want.
I hear you don't drink alcohol or coffee, either.
So, is this some sort of religious thing?
No, I don't have any religion. I just happen not to like meat, coffee or alcohol. So I don't consume them. Do you go around eating and drinking things you don't like?
My, you're quite touchy.
Grouchy. We've already established that what I am is grouchy. I also hate tea. And lima beans. And the Dutch.
Do you have a secret identity?
I keep another journal where I record my running mileage, under the name grouchyrunner. But that's no secret.
Do you have any interesting talents or skills?
Well, I'm pretty good at figuring out who's conning who in a movie. How's that? Oh, and I've been known to deliver a good rant now and again.
What are your weaknesses?
I have a terrible sense of direction. I get lost very easily.
Am I supposed to say that I'm vulnerable to Kryptonite or spinach or something? What are you, a supervillain?
What is the location of your secret underground base?
I knew it! Well, I'm not telling! And I won't show you the blueprints, either. New subject.
Okay. What are the three greatest problems facing our world today?
The two big problems are idiots and assholes. If we could get rid of those, there wouldn't be any big problems.
If someone shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die, why would they be stuck in Folsom Prison, which is in a different state?
I've never been able to figure that out either.
And finally, if you were a dinosaur, what kind of dinosaur would you be?